A conversation with Fleshlight’s online operator
For those not in the know, Fleshlight is a male masturbatory aid. Shaped like a flashlight, the Fleshlight gives dudes the choice of five different orifices in which to stick their thing. My favorite is the mouth. It looks like someone being sucked into another dimension. Or what I imagine that would look like.
“Kiss me. Well, wash me thoroughly first and then kiss me.”
There are many things about the Fleshlight that I can’t get over, the biggest being that I don’t understand the need for it. If I want to mix it up on the jerking off front, I just put on a bunch of finger puppets and pretend that my penis is getting gang attacked by four anthropomorphic critters wearing vests.
On the website, they say something about handicapped people using it. If you have problems grasping your junk, how are you going to grasp a naughty flashlight? In any case, I hope the power never goes out at my wheelchaired friends’ houses.
I’m also curious as to where you’d store something like this. I know the energy I put into hiding dirty magazines as a tween (inside the “Mr. Mouth” box, covered with comics, more comics on top of the box, on the highest shelf in my closet). Where would I put a Fleshlight and have confidence that it couldn’t be found? Should a friend or gal pal come across one in your room, the mental image of you plunging your dork into a rubber vagina will haunt them forever. But I’ve digressed.
The whole reason I’m writing this post is that a few weeks ago I found that @Fleshlight was on Twitter and had over 5,000 followers. 5,000 brave and honest followers. From there I checked out fleshlight.com, where I saw there was an option to chat with a live operator. The following is my conversation with a Fleshlight operator, unedited except for noting extended pauses.
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Please wait for a site operator to respond.
You are now chatting with ‘Fleshlight Customer Service’
Fleshlight Customer Service: Hello and thank you for contacting Fleshlight Customer Service. How can I help you today?
Alan: Hi, I was having some problems trying to pick which Fleshlight is right for me. Is that something you can help me with?
Long Pause
Alan: Hello?
Fleshlight Customer Service: Unfortunately we are unable to give recommendations/personal accounts. You can read customer opinions and reviews on our forums (forums.fleshlight.com). Or you can check out our Buyer’s Guide ( http://www.fleshlight.com/buyers-guide/ ) to help you pick out a Fleshlight.
Alan: Ok, fine. Are there additional colors beyond the ones listed on the website?
Alan: I’d being willing to pay extra.
Another Long Pause
Alan: This is fairly embarrassing to begin with, so the delay in response is really hard to take.
Alan: Hello?
Alan: Hello?
Alan: You are very close to losing a customer.
Alan: All I want is to experience the splendor of putting my thing in a rubber mouth, and you are not facilitating this very well.
Fleshlight Customer Service: sorry about that
Fleshlight Customer Service: stepped away for a second
Alan: Jeez.
Fleshlight Customer Service: the only colors come in Pink and Clear
Alan: Ok, my last question.
Alan: Do people tend to expereince any chaffing, abrasions, or cuts due to the apparatus?
Yet Another Long Pause
Alan: Step away again? Free donuts in the kitchen?
Alan: Is today Liz’s last day. Everybody getting slices of cake?
Fleshlight Customer Service: there have not been any reported incidences
Alan: Alright. So, to your knowledge, there shouldn’t be any chance of injury from use of the Fleshlight.
Fleshlight Customer Service: correct
Fleshlight Customer Service: as long as you use it correctly
Alan: What would constitute incorrect usage?
Alan: Trying to run at it from across the room or something?
Really Long Pause
Alan: “Hey, everybody, come check out pictures of Jim’s new baby!”
Alan: “Oh, sure! I’ll be right there. Just helping some dumb customer with his stupid questions.”
Alan: I’m sorry. As I said before, I’m a little embarrassed.
Alan: Makes me cagey.
Alan: If you would, what constitutes incorrect usage?
Alan: And send me a picture of Jim’s baby when you get back. I’m sure it’s adorable.
Alan: -sigh-
Alan: Hello?
Alan: 3 martini lunch, huh?
Alan: That’s cool.
Alan: I’ll wait until your eyes focus again.
Alan: Got all day.
Alan: Incorrect usage.
Alan: All I want to know about.
Alan: In
Alan: cor
Alan: rect
Alan: us
Alan: ag
Alan: e
Alan: Help me out.
Alan: Please.
Alan: Cause I get pretty wild.
Alan: And I want to make sure this is the right product.
Alan: That I don’t throw my back out.
Alan: Or stub a toe.
Alan: Did you know that I’m very famous?
Alan: Yup.
Alan: Any links as to how to properly use the Fleshlight vs. improper ways.
Alan: I’d take that.
Alan: Anything at this point.
Alan: I wouldn’t call this a “chat”.
Fleshlight Customer Service: Unfortunately we are unable to give recommendations/personal accounts. You can read customer opinions and reviews on our forums (forums.fleshlight.com). Or you can check out our Buyer’s Guide ( http://www.fleshlight.com/buyers-guide/ ) to help you pick out a Fleshlight.
Alan: I don’t want a personal account. That’d be gross. You say that it is safe if used properly. On the website, is there a place that tells you how to use it properly vs. improperly?
Super Long Pause
Alan: Even a toothbrush comes with instructions.
Alan: Ok, one last question. Regarding “Mr. Limpy”, it says that it stretches. Do you know how much?
Alan: Twice it’s normal length? Thrice? Four times?
Alan: I need it for a high school play, and want to make sure it will do the job.
Alan: Death of a Salesman. I’m going to be Willy Lowman.
Alan: I want to pack my trousers with a little extra pudding, if you catch my drift.
Alan: Sweeten the pot.
Alan: Anyway, how far does this thing stretch?
Alan: Are you sure they couldn’t replace you with a computer?
Alan: What’s going on in the office now?
Alan: Photocopying a funny forward you got and posting it on the fridge in the break room?
Alan: I’m guessing you can’t disconnect people, so when you don’t feel like writing anymore, you just stonewall someone until they give up.
Alan: I’m not that person.
Alan: How far does Mr. Limpy stretch?!
Alan: If you don’t know, just say so.
Alan: Nice that you don’t have an operator number or anything like that.
Alan: You get to give anonymous crappy service.
Alan: You know how I said I’m famous?
Alan: This is Steve Shubin.
Alan: I’ve been testing you to see if using liveperson.net is worth the cost.
Alan: I own Fleshlight.
Alan: Your incredible service today has shown me that it clearly isn’t.
Alan: Thank you for helping us trim the fat.
Alan: You just cost yourself a job.
Alan: Good day.
Alan: Disconnect us.
Alan: Now.
Alan: Stop smelling your fingers and do something.
Alan: You make me sick.
Alan: Unless you just choked to death on one of the walnuts from the brownies that Tina brought to share, in which case, I’m sorry.
